And now I’m back on my hiatus. That is all.
Only in order to post this
I guess this heartache should go away…soon?
Towards the end of summer and even to now, I can’t help but feel hurt by the process of it all. I catch myself reminiscing about old times, always asking myself what I did wrong, asking myself if I’m the one that screwed up, having an internal war of, “Hey, stupid, do you regret it or not?” And I still can’t really answer that question. It bugs me so much when I hear others say, “I’d so much rather be you. At least with you you’re free, you don’t have to be tied down, or feel anything…you’re not burdened, (like us).” People who say stuff like that to my face make me feel so robbed. At least you get to be with that special someone, AT LEAST FOR YOU THAT FEELING IS MUTUAL. AT least for you he wants to and tries to be with you. At least for you there’s that establishment of official-ness and mutual care, and dare I even say, “love,”. Feeling this way for these years has made me feel dumb, makes me feel hurt, makes me feel angry, and most of all has made me feel so sad. It’s dumb when people say things like “Hey, it could be worse.” or “Just get over it. It’s not a big deal. You’ll find someone new in no time, you’re [Bonnie].” No, you don’t understand, no you don’t get it. I don’t even think you could even fathom the amount of frustration I feel on a daily basis.
There’s nothing that makes me feel as bad as being excluded, unappreciated, forgotten, and uncared for. Last month, and this month, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I couldn’t stop thinking about how sad you make me feel, how much I wish things could turn out differently, how I told myself that it’s not fair, because life isn’t fair. Asking myself every single day I saw you so happy and laughing so much with your friends if I even made a dent in your huge, rich, and impacted life. Asking myself and the people around me, “How come he looks like he’s having such a good time without me? How come I’m still feeling sad about him when he is living perfectly fine without speaking any words to me, or acknowledging my existence…at all?” And every time those questions popped right back into my head, I swear to you, I felt tears well up at the corners of my eyes, from the inner corners, to the outer corners. Times where I’d be in class, amongst friends…and I’d see your picture on the wall and just turn away and feel disappointed. Especially when I’m alone.
You told me that you would be there for me when I need you, and I’m not alone. But you’re the best at going back against your word, and I feel like I should’ve stopped hoping for things to work out a long time ago. You’re the best at making me feel alone, you’re the best at making me feel like this whole damn thing has been one-sided my whole entire life. I’m so tired of hearing your name, I’m so tired of saying your name. When all it does it hurt me. What’s dumb is this whole thing is supposed to be in order for us not to feel hurt in the end but all it’s doing for me is hurting me. Ironic. Maybe this is to benefit you, maybe this is so you ‘ll stop feeling guilty, or burdened by me. Nevertheless, again, like it was what, 2 years ago next month? I’ll be the helpless one, yet again. The one that goes, “Is this really want you want? Are you sure?” And you’ll internally go, “Yeah. I think it’s for the best,” It’s so repetitive. It’s always the same thing. It’s a circle. I hate feeling like a victim of feelings. I hate feeling like I’m not in charge of my emotions and who I care about. It makes me really really really angry, feeling frustrated as hell.
I feel like that last conversation we had was useless. I feel like I’ve said what I wanted to say, but it didn’t help anything. It pierces a cold, sharp arrow through my heart when I think of it. Dumb…Bonnie you’re soooooo dumb. Bonnie you’re “fucking crazy”
Again, there’s nothing I can do. Stupid stupid stupid how you’re always the one in control of everything an I’m too weak to do anything about it. I should be smart and do things that will benefit me, AND BE HEALTHY FOR ME, but I’m so damn attached. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like I’m in a rut. I wish everything could be easier. Do you even know me anymore? Do I even know YOU anymore?
I wish I could be with you before you leave but you’re not going to ask me to spend anymore time with you. Time you could be spending with other pals of ours. The most precious people in your life, which I’m obviously not considered as.
At least in all this there’s going to be a long break. A long long long long long break. And it scares me personally to say this but I really hope this break fulfills it’s purpose because I’m tired of being the one always sad and miserable and the one who gives too many fucks about the other and I’m tired of not being able to get over it and I’m tired of hanging out with my friends and thinking of you and saying your name and thinking and thinking and thinking. Maybe this is supposed to free me.
I wish there was someone out there for me now that could be there for me and want to be with me without doubts or skepticism. Everyone in my life tells me that I deserve someone who gives an extra fuck, someone who goes beyond that extra mile. Someone who cares just as much about me as I care about them. Someone who prioritizes me and emphasizes how much they want to be with me. “You deserve so much better…” I don’t know what the world is trying to tell me by making me feel this way for so long but I hope it’s not going to make me feel this way until I “understand” the lesson I’m supposed to be extracting from this. It’s not entirely true when people say, “Love comes to those that wait,” or “Love comes when you least expect it,” Because I’ve been waiting for soooo long. I’ve given up hope and picked up back up again, countless amounts of time. But it’s just not true for me. It’s not regular. I’m not regular. I wish this would all be okay. I wish this process would speed up so I can be free.
I’m trying not to tell myself, “Maybe things will be different when he gets older, and takes his own advice, and goes from his own gut feelings, and stops using other’s intuition as methods for dealing with things,” Because that’s again, relying on you to be better. The smart thing to think is to tell myself that I need to grow up, and face reality, that things just don’t work out sometimes. Not really for a specific reason, but just because life works in unexpected ways. I just can’t win you over, I can never, ever, win you over. And I just need to accept that.
I need to stop telling myself that there’s that part of you that actually does want to. I need to squash all that hope. It’s ripping me apart slowly. I wish I could spend time with you before things really change but I guess I’m just not on your list of priorities…[anymore].
I’m trying to better myself as an individual
Going to work on my self-discipline.
Y’all know what that means.